the night starts here.

[crashlikethunder]

He feels like a fucking idiot. A lifetime of experience with that — with being an idiot and doing dumb shit, with saying stupid things and having terrible timing — should make it easier. But the fact that he is used to fucking up doesn't make it any less devastating when he does. And this time, he worries that he really has.

Luke didn't even realize it until it was too late, until he heard his own voice, the word already slipped from his lips. He doesn't know when it happened, that he began to think of Eden as his girlfriend. It isn't a word that he's ever used for her before, even in his own thoughts. He's always been content to leave what they have undefined. And since she never pushed for more, he's assumed the same to be true for her.

He must have been right. The evidence is in her non-response, her quick exit, her radio silence throughout the day. If she wanted to be his girlfriend, she would have said something. And maybe it's for the best that she didn't. He doesn't know the first thing about being in a relationship. She probably realizes that.

Fuck.

The worst thing is, it's too late. He already has the suit, the flowers, the dinner reservation. As much as he wishes that he could, he won't call it off now, won't be the asshole who stands her up on her birthday. He styles his hair and sprays on cologne, and rides over in a taxi because it's been raining. In the elevator, he wipes a smudge of dirt off of his shiny black shoes. Finally, he knocks at her door, takes a step back and holds the bouquet before him.

Comments

[wishesandsmoke]

Eden's stomach twists at the sound of a knock, but she finds herself grateful for the sound at the same time. It means a distraction, something to take her mind off whether she should call Luke or just go over to see him. She hasn't been home for very long, but it's been long enough she knows she has to figure this out quickly. It's been easy before. They weren't him before.

She doesn't expect it to be him now, either, when she opens the door. She certainly doesn't expect the flowers or to see him looking so put together. It's impossible to mistake him for anyone else, but it's hard to reconcile with the man she knows. She smiles, warm and surprised, and steps back to let him in. "Hi," she says. She can't stop grinning again, like when she first stepped out the door this morning, before she realized how that must have looked. For a moment, she's not sure what else to say. He looks good; he looks strange. She's still worried she fucked up and she's still happy he's here. "I... wow. Luke, what are you doing?"

[crashlikethunder]

He doesn't like to make promises for fear of breaking them, intentionally or otherwise. He's been a let down too many times in the past. But he wanted to do something special. Not telling her anything beforehand, that was his way of playing it safe. If he didn't follow through somehow, whatever the reason, she would never have to know. And if he did, it would be a pleasant surprise.

She doesn't look unhappy to see him. Luke tells himself that's a good sign. He tries to put this morning out of his mind for now. "I'm taking you to dinner," he says. He doesn't feel very confident, firmly out of his element here, but he feigns it well.

[wishesandsmoke]

Eden honestly doesn't know what to say to that, surprised and enchanted and fond. "You dressed up for me," she says. "You got me flowers." It's nothing she's ever asked for. It's nothing she's ever wanted from him. That just makes it better. She loves him just as he is, but the fact that he'd go out of his way to do something special for her is more charming than she thinks he can begin to know.

She shakes her head, almost embarrassed by her reaction, and steps back to wave at her living room. "Well, now I feel underdressed. I... I was just thinking of going over to see you, actually." He doesn't seem inclined to bring up what he said; in fact, it doesn't seem to have warranted any kind of a message from him today at all. She'd wondered on and off if he'd even meant it, no matter how much she knows it's an unlikely thing for him to say on accident without any meaning to it, but here he is, having clearly made plans, and she doesn't want to let it just hang over her head tonight.

[crashlikethunder]

"You were?" He doesn't sound confident anymore; if anything, he sounds surprised. Luke realized much too late how presumptuous it was to show up here unannounced, assuming she would want to spend her birthday with him, that she wouldn't have made plans with other friends. That she happened to be home doesn't make him feel any less like he's made an ass of himself. It's only when she says that she was thinking of going over to see him, that she was thinking of him at all, that he starts to relax a little, and allows himself to hope that he made the right call after all.

[wishesandsmoke]

"I was," Eden says, nodding. Stepping forward, she takes the bouquet gently from his hands so she can lean in close and kiss his cheek. She should have stayed a few minutes longer this morning, she should have been late, she should have just taken the stupid day off and stayed in with him. It doesn't matter, though. It's over and done and he's here now, the warm scent of his skin under the unfamiliar cologne.

She steps back, taking one of his hands in her free one, leading him back into the apartment. He said he's taking her to dinner, but it can wait a minute. She'll want to change before going out again anyway. "I wanted to all day. I'm sorry I didn't call or anything. I feel like a heel, running off like that, and now you're taking me to dinner, and you're so sweet to me. I'm sorry."

[crashlikethunder]

He lets her guide him into the apartment, feeling slightly dazed, uncertain of himself and very nearly suffering from emotional whiplash. That's no fault of Eden's, it's all on him, his thoughts a mess. One moment he's sure he's made the wrong call and fucked up a good thing, the next he's relieved because they just might be on the same page. He doesn't usually care enough about anything to feel stressed. But this is important. He didn't mean for it to happen; after Ro, he didn't want any kind of emotional attachment with anyone but his son. (Not that his feelings for Ro were this deep, or really about Ro at all, but he wasn't removed enough from the situation to recognize that at the time.) That was before he got to know Eden. Before she managed to surprise him at every turn, because he didn't know that people like her existed, or if they did, was certain someone like her would never want anything to do with someone like him. It was almost an accident, how he fell for her. It happened without him realizing, and when he finally did, it was much too late, he was already in too deep. Now, as much as he might still worry that he's no good for her, that she would be better off without him, he is much too selfish to ever let her go.

"No one's ever called me sweet before," he says. That isn't the only thing that makes him grin. He fixates on it, briefly, because it's still hard to believe, as much as this place has changed him, that he has a sensitive side. But the rest of what she says is just as important, if not more. She wanted to call. She was thinking about him. He would be alright if they just left it at that. But that would be a cowardly, shitty thing to do. The very least he can do is take responsibility for what he said, offer some kind of explanation. Give her an out. "About that... I'm sorry, too. I wasn't thinking. And this, it doesn't have to — If you don't want that, what I'm saying is, I'm fine with what we've got. I'm not looking to push."

[wishesandsmoke]

Eden shakes her head, nudging the door closed with her foot, her smile growing. There are different ways to write things off. He could pretend it was a joke, if he wanted, or that he didn't know what else to call them, but he knows that's not the right one. Or he could flat out say he doesn't want that. He's not the kind of guy who usually functions under labels or gets tied down to anything other than his son. She's known that for a long time. It's not like she came into this expecting more.

That hasn't stopped her wanting it, of course. She'd be happy just as they've been indefinitely, but everything before him has been different. There have been men she's been with and cared about and never really loved, not the way they deserved, not the way love should be. That's all it's been, people she's been fascinated by and adored and even loved, but no one she's ever been in love with, no one she wanted to be part of something with. There were labels, but they were casually slapped on, usually by guys who felt they were somehow needed. Maybe they felt instinctively that she'd slip away without something to anchor her down. But here, she doesn't need it, and that makes craving it matter more.

"You're not pushing," she says. She holds his hands close against her neck so she can rest her chin on them, looking up at him. "I liked it."

[crashlikethunder]

"You did?"

There are lots of words Luke would never call himself. Lots of labels he wouldn't use. He wouldn't call himself an optimist any more than he would commit to the title of pessimist. He doesn't think of himself as one or the other; in his head, he falls somewhere in between. But the truth of it is, he probably sways toward the pessimistic side more often than not. His tendency is to expect the worst, maybe because, until the last year or so, he never really had a reason to hope for better. And although things are different now, his brain hasn't quite caught up to the present, and he still defaults to old ways more than he'd like.

So it comes as a surprise when Eden says that she liked it, because he was, of course, expecting no such thing. His best case scenario was that she would let him down easy. That she wouldn't make a big deal out of it, that she'd let him save a little face. But here she is, looking up at him, and he knows that she wouldn't be anything but sincere right now.

A part of him wants to bolt. He didn't think this through at all. He was so busy worrying he'd messed up, he didn't even consider the alternative. It's one thing for them to be together like they have been until now, without the benefit or detriment of labels. Now, he's all but made a promise he doesn't know how to keep. They've reached a turning point, like the edge of a cliff, and he's such a fucking idiot, he jumped off before he even knew what he was doing.

"You know I'd make a shitty boyfriend," he says, because it's only right to warn her.

[wishesandsmoke]

"I've never been very good at being a girlfriend," Eden admits. The difference, though, is that she knows she hadn't met the right person before now. She's broken up with guys before because she knew she couldn't be what they wanted. Sometimes she wonders if she's too changeable, if maybe they think they're dating someone else because she's so good at being whoever's needed, and maybe that's what's been wrong. She's fallen in with guys who thought she was someone else, some sweet romantic or a brash guys' girl, some sexier version of one of the boys, and she's both of those things and she isn't really them either. They kept falling for a picture. Maybe that's why she never really connected.

But Luke knows who she is, knows more than they ever did, and he's standing here with her now, and it's different. He likes who she really is. Standing here now, she feels like herself. Maybe that's all she needs. "But we've done pretty well up 'til now."

[crashlikethunder]

She's right. He can't deny that. Though they've avoided putting a name to it until now, what they've been doing, however the hell it happened, has been working out pretty well. They don't fight the way that Luke did with previous girlfriends, and he knows exactly why that is. Eden doesn't project expectations onto him that he could never meet. She doesn't ask him to be anything other than himself. Why ever in the fuck she would want him as he is, he'll never know. But she does, and who is he to argue?

"I guess we have." Looking down into those big brown eyes of hers, he knows there's only one way this ends. He goes all in. But as much as he is scared to death, he also knows that sometimes, the most intimidating things are the things most worth going after. He's been afraid of fucking up with Jason since day one, but getting to know him has also been the most rewarding experience of his life. Sometimes being intimidated as all hell is the clearest sign that something is worth doing.

[wishesandsmoke]

"You guess," Eden echoes, teasing. He knows it or he never would have said what he did. There's no doubt in her heart about how they feel for each other and how well they work together. If he's unsure about anything, she doesn't think it's her. It's just who they are and how things have been for them in the past. It's not like he's a relationship kind of guy usually, and her track record being what it is, she hasn't been in a rush to get back into one either. At least, she hadn't thought she was looking for something like that. Maybe she should have known, though. She's never felt casually about Luke. "Well, as long as you guess."

[crashlikethunder]

He doesn't usually take kindly to that, to teasing. But he knows Eden well enough to guess at her intentions. Those words don't come from a place of cruelty. They never do, with her. So instead of getting angry, instead of telling her not to talk down to him, he ends up almost grinning. He leans down and kisses her, because it's easier, sometimes, to show her what he means rather than trying to find the right words to tell her.

After a moment, he pulls away, but only slightly, their faces still close together. "So, we gonna get outta here or what?"

[wishesandsmoke]

Eden tilts her face just enough she can kiss him again, slipping her arms over her shoulders, and for a moment, she's so tempted to say no. They could just say here, stay in, make a night of it. This is something special, after all. It isn't something she thinks either of them really expected from this, or from each other, but it deserves some measure of celebration, surely.

But he's put such an effort into the night, gotten all dressed up for her, and it's so very sweet that she could never say no to that. Truthfully, the effort means more than the actual date, much as she's sure she'll enjoy it. It wouldn't be right to disregard that. So she nods when she pulls back. "Absolutely," she says, reaching for his hand with one of hers and her purse with the other. "Let's go."